But I dont think I thanked God enough for that. Life was spent for work that weighed me down day after day. Life was all around numbers, target, deadlines, and those sleepless nights that kept reoccurring everyday and wont give a break. Then the fear of losing rushed in. What if I can't make it? what if I failed? Fear of replacement haunt me and wont seem to let me go. The sense of insecurity has grip over me. Feel like I'm holding on too tight to this job that I don't think I can keep for long.
Being too proud of my position, taking refuge in my income and lived life as an irresponsible human being, was a sin that God hates in me, a sin I am too well enjoying.
I could feel the devil take this against me before God and asked to let him test and try me like he did to Job. I know the power of wealth and how it can entice us, yet I was too overwhelmed by what it offers and got blown away. That pleasure of buying whatever, whenever, wherever, caught me off the wisdom. Spent everything, not taking into consideration that God could take it all back anytime, anyhow.
And that day came, the day I never expected. The day I was not given a choice to defend myself. Felt like the whole world turned their back on me. This was the day I had to say farewell to all this glory, all these pleasure, all this pride and exchanged all that with pretence that i am okay. It all seem to be unfair to me. "Why have You done this to me, God? I thought You want me to have this job. I never asked for this, yet You gave it to me and now You're taking it back without telling me why or at least what You want me to do in exchange." What do I tell the people out there? what about those monthly bills? what about these prospective business I wanted to do? How am I gonna do this all from zero?
I wished I could have something permanent like everybody else. But now I am left with wander. If You dont want me to have it, why bother giving it in the first place? Didn't I pray and seek Your wisdom? You know my prayer too well, Lord, a humble prayer of a filthy servant that echoes in Your presence every day and every year; If this is not my blessing, keep me away from it. Dont let me take or do what is not meant for me. Dont even let me step in. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
Isn't taking the love of my life enough for you? Didn't I pray the same prayer? Did You really hear me or maybe You just dont care, so why should I? Three years for nothing. All the ups and downs, all those highs and lows and here I am, betrayed, left, ashamed, embarrassed, played and treated like a fool. What a hopeless romantic i've been. Then I found myself another sweet smile on that beautiful face that thought would be "the one". Thought I finally found the melody for the unfinished song. I gave her my music just for to find out that she gave it to somebody else, then she came back with an innocent smile, saying ; lets do it again! Oh what a fool I've been.
Picking up these pieces, i try to make sense of everything but still I am lost. Why should I try again when I dont even have a clue? Why should I move on when I dont even know where I am going?
Lord, would You help me? Where do I run to but You? I have lost faith in all this things, dont let me lose faith in You. I am tired, Lord. Hear me and save me.
If this is a test, help me because I dont understand Your way. If this is a punishment, Lord forgive me. I can't do it anymore. I'm waiting on You Lord. Dont let this hope die in me. Help me to trust You.
Bring me back to where I should be and help me to start again. With You.
January 6th, 2020
-God's filthy servant-
